growing tired

Well, exams are drawing near (8 days!)
Been studying more and more, which equals to less time spent at home, which equals to insensitive and unnecessary comments made by my mum.
It's getting very frustrating when all she can ask me if I am trying to 'prove' that I am 'hardworking' by coming home late, or that I am trying to 'hint' at something whenever I talk to her.
In her defence, she is probably flippant with her words, but it's really getting to me
To the point I don't even want to talk to her anymore.
Rlly mum, if you wonder why I don't talk to you, and you think I have an attitude problem,
think a little?!?!

In other unrelated news, SO EXCITED FOR SATURDAYYYYYYYYYY.
Leonard Sir and Chanel Ma'am, haven't seen them in sooo long and it's going to be a wonderful birthday :>

when you try your best but you don't succeed

Farewell is this Friday
All the planning comes to this friday
Pretty excited for all the fun stuff lined up and to see the juniors and seniors enjoying themselves.
Detesting the Handover though.

I've relatively gotten over it alrd, but it still hurts this part of me everytime I think about it.
I still get very upset and angsty over it sometimes, and I try my best to push it far far away from my mind
But sometimes, you can't help but just get disappointed/sad/angry/frustrated/self-loathing once again
Maybe tonight is one of those nights again.

Happy farewell.

typed a long post but to sum it up,

I only care about the glory and I only want what I can't have cause I like to chase after things that everyone else is chasing after and I can't be satisfied.

Thanks mum.

keep your eyes open

Wow, can't believe the Sec 4s are stepping down and my batch is stepping up.
When I was sec 1 and sec 2, it always seemed like everything would go okay cause the sec 3s knew everything.
But now that's US!
Especially worried for JTC.
6 batches of seniors coming back to torture us?!
Nuuuu.

Another thing is Council.
I have to start figuring out who is in Social.
Me? Social Head?! :O
I only know 3 people in Social! :/
Nerve wrecking aaaahhhh

Losing myself

I feel like I'm losing myself
Who I am, what I hold dear, what my values are.
Who am I anymore?

Worst part is acting and lashing out at friends that I hold dear and constantly whining at them
One day they'll get tired of me.

Gracia snap out of it.

At least 3 people have asked me if I'm disappointed.
Would you like me to break down in front of you in order to show you how I feel about this whole thing?

I'm somebody that I used to know.

hush now

So. Today the posts were given out (somewhat).
Alvina is chair, keziah and charm are vice chair.
Not really sure how I feel about it.
At first it was like.. ._.
but now i'm more chilled i guess.

View point 1:
WTH why them and not me do I not put in the same amount if not more effort than them do I not deserve this less than them? Charmaine will just be a dictator and alvina a control freak while keziah the "i dont care" type.
View point 2:
YAY! So happy for them, Alvina has wanted the post of Chairperson since the start of this year and I'm really happy for her! So what if I didn't get it, its not about positions at all Gracia! It's about the impact you leave on your juniors (:

The 'right' attitude would be view point 2 right. But it's all a joke you see. Just a facade. No one really really doesn't care about positions and is just a happy lark. That's all bullocks. No matter how "I don't care about this!" you say, you really do care.

Do I want to sound like a whiny girl who doesn't get what she wants and just put in all that effort just to become Chairperson? No. Does it sound that way to me? Yes. This is bullocks.

Honestly, the disappointment cuts deep. I can't lie and say I'm okay with Alvina being chair and kez and charm being vice. It hurts. Am I in any way inferior to them? I hate this feeling that I have, that feeling of A) Disappointment B) Anger C) Inferiority D) Disgust with myself for even feeling this way and being so superficial.

That tiny part of my brain tells me "So what Gracia, suck it up" while the other part is screaming "be sad for once! Be depressed, be angry. Who gives a shit anyway! They don't like you anyway!"

Maybe for once I'll listen to the screaming voice I try to oppress whenever something bad happens.

I ain't even gonna lie. Unappreciated and forever inferior. That's life.

ohmygoshhh

History memorised, RCY stuff all ironed out and all by 7:10!

All i have to do now is read Lit and memorise quotes and shizz and im done for the day! Yeeehaawwwww

This is amazing first time this week I'm not panicking.

Might even have time to pack bag for Thailand! Hurhur

pretty much how i feel right now :')