When a tragedy strikes in the midst of the chaos of exams/school/life,
it's then we realise the fragility of it all.
A girl that my friend used to talk about is dead,
a guy from my church is dead
life; one day you're here and the next day you're not
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Friday, April 5, 2013
You know it's funny how freedom can make us feel contained
It feels almost surreal that the surge of exams/preparation/studying is about to come
It's like we strapped ourselves onto our seats on the roller coaster, and we are slowly ascending upwards.
Knowing what is ahead yet gripping the handlebars as if we don't.
And when we fall, we scream, but we fall.
Mr Ng's attempts to get us motivated included a survey for a motivational workshop.
One of the questions included, Why do you not feel motivated? And it had those annoying asterisks that meant you had to answer it.
"I feel like I am running on a track and every time I push myself to complete and reach the 100m mark, I realise that there is another 100m ahead of me. And every 100m symbolises a new supposed target of success. Score below 10 for L1R5, Score below 8, Score 6. Maintain 6. Score all A1s.
Whenever I think about the never ending track, I feel unmotivated
What am I studying for?"
Although somehow I think this is a reason for me to NOT study and constantly watch episodes of Law and Order, which are brilliant btw.
It also scares me that in 8 months time, my time in fairfield will be gone and a new season of change is arriving.
Quite like the uncertain feeling of when sunshine will arrive after rain and assault your face, and that longing for the cool air to linger on forever.
Yet, you know for certain that it is coming and that the change is inevitable.
I always feel foolish for thinking that things that are inevitable will not arrive as long as I do not think about it.
Out of sight, out of mind?
When I think about leaving fairfield, i just want to go up to every single lovely person I have met in fairfield and hug them and tell them that they are beautiful, wonderful people who are going to do so well in life and impact everyone around them with their loveliness and fluff.
On a side note, would love this /temporary/ tattoo:
Good reminder.
It's like we strapped ourselves onto our seats on the roller coaster, and we are slowly ascending upwards.
Knowing what is ahead yet gripping the handlebars as if we don't.
And when we fall, we scream, but we fall.
Mr Ng's attempts to get us motivated included a survey for a motivational workshop.
One of the questions included, Why do you not feel motivated? And it had those annoying asterisks that meant you had to answer it.
"I feel like I am running on a track and every time I push myself to complete and reach the 100m mark, I realise that there is another 100m ahead of me. And every 100m symbolises a new supposed target of success. Score below 10 for L1R5, Score below 8, Score 6. Maintain 6. Score all A1s.
Whenever I think about the never ending track, I feel unmotivated
What am I studying for?"
Although somehow I think this is a reason for me to NOT study and constantly watch episodes of Law and Order, which are brilliant btw.
It also scares me that in 8 months time, my time in fairfield will be gone and a new season of change is arriving.
Quite like the uncertain feeling of when sunshine will arrive after rain and assault your face, and that longing for the cool air to linger on forever.
Yet, you know for certain that it is coming and that the change is inevitable.
I always feel foolish for thinking that things that are inevitable will not arrive as long as I do not think about it.
Out of sight, out of mind?
When I think about leaving fairfield, i just want to go up to every single lovely person I have met in fairfield and hug them and tell them that they are beautiful, wonderful people who are going to do so well in life and impact everyone around them with their loveliness and fluff.
On a side note, would love this /temporary/ tattoo:
Good reminder.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
No, I am not okay.
No, winning isn't everything.
No, I do not want to hear your motivational quotes or speeches.
No, I am not in control of my emotions right now
No, I will not choose to be optimistic
No, I will not sugar coat this and make this a 'learning experience'.
Now shut up and let me upset dammit.
Life is not always about being optimistic.
No, winning isn't everything.
No, I do not want to hear your motivational quotes or speeches.
No, I am not in control of my emotions right now
No, I will not choose to be optimistic
No, I will not sugar coat this and make this a 'learning experience'.
Now shut up and let me upset dammit.
Life is not always about being optimistic.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
ahh
When I was in the car back to S'pore I totally has this blog post in my head but rn I'm just like.. meh.
In summary what I was gonna say was:
7 and 8 year olds can speak fluent Cantonese while I can't.
Blame Billingualism. Also they learn English Chinese AND Malay. Overachievers much.
Malaysia has ridiculously cheap food.
Not fair.
Read John Green's Looking for Alaska and Paper Towns.
One was disappointing and one was not.
Though Looking for Alaska was the better of the two, I hope I'll never have to be in the situation.
Watched a movie called Restless about a girl dying in 3 months and the guy loves her and AHH but i know she's another MPDG. The beautiful girl who dies and the boy who learns to let go of his anger management.
I wish MPDG would stop making me feel like I want to be one of them and be perfect and pretty and have nice hair and nice dresses and clothes.
THEY DONT EXIST GRACIA.
..... nobody asked you Patrice.
In summary what I was gonna say was:
7 and 8 year olds can speak fluent Cantonese while I can't.
Blame Billingualism. Also they learn English Chinese AND Malay. Overachievers much.
Malaysia has ridiculously cheap food.
Not fair.
Read John Green's Looking for Alaska and Paper Towns.
One was disappointing and one was not.
Though Looking for Alaska was the better of the two, I hope I'll never have to be in the situation.
Watched a movie called Restless about a girl dying in 3 months and the guy loves her and AHH but i know she's another MPDG. The beautiful girl who dies and the boy who learns to let go of his anger management.
I wish MPDG would stop making me feel like I want to be one of them and be perfect and pretty and have nice hair and nice dresses and clothes.
THEY DONT EXIST GRACIA.
..... nobody asked you Patrice.
Friday, January 11, 2013
It is a pasta competition
Mum made Ikea meatballs and I was SO looking forward to eating it with the sauce but when I reached home and opened all the saucepans, all I saw was a crap load of tomato sauce and I was confused.
Then my mum told me she actually made pasta with the tomato base and she made the meatballs so we could put it with the pasta.
Dinner=ruined.
It's not that I hate tomato base pasta (hate it), it is just that I very much prefer cream base pasta, which I'm sure my mum didn't know.
Thinking about it and painfully eating the pasta mouthful by mouthful as my mum put more sauce on my plate made me think that this is exactly how my first week of academic school has been.
So you see, it is like a pasta competition.
All the chefs, ranging from super good, to can't even boil water, are going to take part in it.
The end goal is for all chefs to get a good rating, and they have mentors pushing them towards this goal.
The chefs are told, study hard study hard this is THE year of the competition and don't you want to do well?
They even send the chefs for viewing of the judging for the previous batch of chefs.
Watching the chefs which tried so hard, fail under the judging made chef gracia so scared of failure that the only motivation for her to work towards that pasta competition, was the fear of failure.
Her mentors continued pushing her and her culinary class towards making that perfect pasta, yet all she felt was that the culinary gods were just dumping more and more dreaded tomato sauce on her plate and that she was the only one gorging it down while everyone happily took it in.
The fear of failure overwhelmed chef gracia as she felt so lost and hopeless in every class, that no matter how many times she read how pasta is made, she could only memorise "put pasta in boiling water for 2 mins", without actually understanding why.
Memorising was easy for chef gracia, yet all she felt was just a sense of hopelessness as she continued and forced herself to study, planning her days to study all the best culinary cookbooks.
Yet, whenever she touched or opened one of these cookbooks, all she felt was this irrational fear and a wave of emotions coming over her, wanting to consume her and make her crawl into a corner.
Chef gracia could already picture herself being one of the chefs who failed miserably in the judging, with all her hardwork turning into dry pasta and stale sauce.
Chef gracia continued to push herself to persevere, yet this was definitely not the type of meatballs she had expected when she excitedly took on the challenge of this competition.
Chef gracia just wanted to quit and cry and sleep and not even try, for trying for the sake of the fear of failure was as good as not trying at all.
What happened to all the motivation that chef gracia felt when making pizza the previous year?
The process of learning how to make the perfect pizza was so enjoyable for her, as she eagerly read through all the books and made notes.
yet now, all she felt was hopelessness and dread whenever she opened any of her books to learn the 'ways' to make the best pasta.
It's all a pasta competition.
Then my mum told me she actually made pasta with the tomato base and she made the meatballs so we could put it with the pasta.
Dinner=ruined.
It's not that I hate tomato base pasta (hate it), it is just that I very much prefer cream base pasta, which I'm sure my mum didn't know.
Thinking about it and painfully eating the pasta mouthful by mouthful as my mum put more sauce on my plate made me think that this is exactly how my first week of academic school has been.
So you see, it is like a pasta competition.
All the chefs, ranging from super good, to can't even boil water, are going to take part in it.
The end goal is for all chefs to get a good rating, and they have mentors pushing them towards this goal.
The chefs are told, study hard study hard this is THE year of the competition and don't you want to do well?
They even send the chefs for viewing of the judging for the previous batch of chefs.
Watching the chefs which tried so hard, fail under the judging made chef gracia so scared of failure that the only motivation for her to work towards that pasta competition, was the fear of failure.
Her mentors continued pushing her and her culinary class towards making that perfect pasta, yet all she felt was that the culinary gods were just dumping more and more dreaded tomato sauce on her plate and that she was the only one gorging it down while everyone happily took it in.
The fear of failure overwhelmed chef gracia as she felt so lost and hopeless in every class, that no matter how many times she read how pasta is made, she could only memorise "put pasta in boiling water for 2 mins", without actually understanding why.
Memorising was easy for chef gracia, yet all she felt was just a sense of hopelessness as she continued and forced herself to study, planning her days to study all the best culinary cookbooks.
Yet, whenever she touched or opened one of these cookbooks, all she felt was this irrational fear and a wave of emotions coming over her, wanting to consume her and make her crawl into a corner.
Chef gracia could already picture herself being one of the chefs who failed miserably in the judging, with all her hardwork turning into dry pasta and stale sauce.
Chef gracia continued to push herself to persevere, yet this was definitely not the type of meatballs she had expected when she excitedly took on the challenge of this competition.
Chef gracia just wanted to quit and cry and sleep and not even try, for trying for the sake of the fear of failure was as good as not trying at all.
What happened to all the motivation that chef gracia felt when making pizza the previous year?
The process of learning how to make the perfect pizza was so enjoyable for her, as she eagerly read through all the books and made notes.
yet now, all she felt was hopelessness and dread whenever she opened any of her books to learn the 'ways' to make the best pasta.
It's all a pasta competition.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
of sickness and results
Been sick this week, and I realise how much I appreciate sleep and rest
First week of being Sec 4 is almost over and in all melodramatic-ness, i'm so tired
After seeing the release of the O level results today, I feel so scared and stressed
And starting to wonder what I've been doing with my holidays and my life these 2 months during the break.
And what I really want to score for O levels, is it 8? Where do I want to go? How am I going to achieve my goal? When are you gonna go hardcore grauiv?
QUESTIONS.
Kind of really clueless for Bio, which worries me because I took for granted the A for EOY and was a sotong during extended curriculum so now I'm all DDDD:
Chinese is also stressing me out because my teacher enjoys giving us all the answers while we just copy and when I try I always feel like I have so many ideas but I can't put them into words.
The chinese department also printed all the cheng yus from Sec 1-4 that are in our TB which is nice, but also incredibly stressful :(
Over the weekend, I guess I have to catch up on revision for Bio, Chinese, Chem and my Combined Humans.
Jam packed weekend ahead :/
In other news, my sister's co-worker keeps stealing money from her.
People nowadays.
Tsk.
First week of being Sec 4 is almost over and in all melodramatic-ness, i'm so tired
After seeing the release of the O level results today, I feel so scared and stressed
And starting to wonder what I've been doing with my holidays and my life these 2 months during the break.
And what I really want to score for O levels, is it 8? Where do I want to go? How am I going to achieve my goal? When are you gonna go hardcore grauiv?
QUESTIONS.
Kind of really clueless for Bio, which worries me because I took for granted the A for EOY and was a sotong during extended curriculum so now I'm all DDDD:
Chinese is also stressing me out because my teacher enjoys giving us all the answers while we just copy and when I try I always feel like I have so many ideas but I can't put them into words.
The chinese department also printed all the cheng yus from Sec 1-4 that are in our TB which is nice, but also incredibly stressful :(
Over the weekend, I guess I have to catch up on revision for Bio, Chinese, Chem and my Combined Humans.
Jam packed weekend ahead :/
In other news, my sister's co-worker keeps stealing money from her.
People nowadays.
Tsk.
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